Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
