I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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