dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
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Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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