Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
