I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
