he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
