We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
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And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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