I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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