You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
