Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
