my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
