Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.