Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
