I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
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I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
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It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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