I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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