i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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