I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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