just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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