My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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