i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
