I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
