I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
