I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.