I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He passed out mid-signature
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
