Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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