It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
