Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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