I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
