he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My hand turned me down
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
