I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
