Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The Olympian is in my bed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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