Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
