everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We were destined to go to rehab together
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
