Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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