I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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