she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
