I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
