I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
