if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
