dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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