What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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