I heard we made out
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
