We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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