i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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