one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
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My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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