tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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