I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
