Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
