Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
