I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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