I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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