Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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