I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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