i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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