my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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