So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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