The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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