Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
